Recently relapsed and hurt gf

Hello, first time posting here since I really need help.

When my relationship started, I was very clear about no porn being our policy because I was insecure about myself being compared to it. Despite watching porn very frequently in my teen years, I basically stopped cold turkey and it was going well for a year while we were long-distance and I was at college. But during year 2, I fell back into old habits. She caught me in my history and I lied many times about it. Our relationship has been going through a lot of strain since.

We're now living together, and after a few months of being clean, I broke my promise and watched porn and lied about it just a few days ago, after going to therapy and swearing I would change. I truly hate how much trauma and heartbreak I am causing her, and don't know what to do. Being around her and knowing I caused that kind of hurt makes me feel awful and I am having doubts about my ability to change for good.

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Relapsed and I’ve noticed some trends

My porn use has been increasing steadily over the past couple weeks, and I'm hoping to make tomorrow day 1. I've been forgetting to use a strategy that I think has helped me in the past.

My strategy is that whenever porn crosses my mind during any part of the day, I find that its important for me to remember the shitty feeling that I get after using porn or going into a bad relapse. Whenever I think of porn, I try to attach those negative feelings to that thought. If I think to myself "wow its been x number of days and I haven't looked at porn," then I run the risk of having a positive or non-negative association with porn, and I'll often relapse that same day if I don't try to recall the negatives of porn in addition to congratulating myself on a streak. When I don't ***actively try to think about how I feel like garbage after watching porn***, I tend to relapse.

Anyway, writing this is mostly just a way of coping and hoping that I can build a lasting habit to replace porn, starting now. Good luck and strength to anyone reading this 🙂

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I can finally orgasm on my own without visual aid!!!

Ughhhhhh it's so great. I used to be able to do this if I was already horny from something that happened IRL but it was here and there and if nothing made me hot and bothered IRL, I couldn't do it. Now I am able to do it pretty much any time. I am three months porn free.

I am still working on controlling my thoughts while masturbating. I find kinks and intrusive thoughts creep in sometime but I do my best to push them out. I am only trying to think of vanilla stuff, mostly with my spouse.

It feels great to be able to do this. The orgasms are not as powerful as before but I think that will change with time as I de-desensitize myself. Just wanted to share!!!

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Living in the moment

I’ll be honest. Porn free is something I’ve tried before. Undoubtedly noticed the benefits of this within two weeks.

I am coming off a recent relapse in an attempt at redirecting my energy back to real women.

I think I’ve had a recent revelation… Tinder, bumble and whatever other dating apps that I honestly have somewhat decent success at has crippled me in the same way porn has.

Typing in what I’d like, scrolling and wasting energy on “potential connections”.

It never fails, when I do meet a woman organically, the connection usually lasts longer. But I’m now socially crippled and having anxiety about meeting and talking to new women and people in the wild.

Swiping on my phone instead of looking at the women in the bar next to me or regretting not talking to that cute cashier once i leave the store knowing I may never see her again. This is bullshit. It has been my reality for a few years.

My phone while connecting me to instant gratification nullifies my ability to connect with the world around me and manifest the reality I plant digital seeds for.

My anxiety is through the roof saying this but I need to focus on my weakness to alleviate that and grow as a man. Porn and swiping didn’t used to be the norm. Reverting to that will help me have out come independence and not be worried of rejection. In theory.

No solid point to this post, just getting this off my chest.

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Day 5 and I’m noticing changes

I made the decision to quit cold turkey on Monday night and it has made a difference for me. Day one was easy, I got everything out of my system the day before and it felt easy. The last time felt like it would be.

Day three was hell because it was all i could think about, but I went to the gym and worked it out there. It helped.

Day 5, I noticed something I havent done since I was in 10th grade. I’m blushing again. I saw someone stunning and I smiled and blushed. I didn’t know it was something that stopped and that it was something that would return. But i’m thrilled about it and I just wanted to share.

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