15M, Day 1: I don’t think I ever properly “developed” as a child, and porn is one of the reasons for my burnout today.

I'm 15 years old, as said in the title, and quarantine has showed me that I never really had any goals in life other than a rush of dopamine.

I was exposed to porn at around 10 years old, and since then I think I've always used pornography as a way to feel something, as a way to relieve myself from the harsh realities of the world. But it did more harm than good.

I've never had anyone in my life that I ever truly considered to be a friend. Granted, different people have different standards of friendship, and guys don't really get emotional with one another, but I've never bonded with someone in a way that didn't feel like I was changing myself to "fit in" or even manipulating someone else in order to feel social validation.

Porn to me was my naughty little secret. I did well in school (by sheer luck, I'll be on r/aftergifted soon, lol). I'm the quiet child that was "so mature for my age", but now I'm just a creep, and I know that's how people felt about me when schools were open.

At a certain point, I even convinced myself that friends and any potential future romance was overrated, and that as an adult I would just work everyday and come home to a sex doll or VR or whatever that would make me happy. I've tried to go pornfree before but always relapsed in 1-2 days because of social media or nighttime temptation ("so I can sleep happily!"). But now, the numbness has caught up to me.

I used to feel like I was better than everyone else because I was "smarter".

I used to feel like I was better than everyone else because I didn't "need" socialization.

I used to feel like I was better than everyone else because I was content with my lack of self-care, exercise, and ambition.

I was never better than anyone else. I was worse. I want to be better than who I am today.

I want to die as an elder who didn't regret all of my mistakes of the past that led to my harmful lifestyle.

I want to be better than who I am today. Day 1.

(Sorry if this post was unnecessarily dramatic. I'd appreciate any sort of advice for the future in the comments. Right now, I'm just a numb mess.)

From here

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